


What's wrong, baby?

by emotionalcello



Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Civilian!Jason, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Moving On, Romance, Tim Drake is Red Robin, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 03:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20539508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotionalcello/pseuds/emotionalcello
Summary: “What’s wrong, Jay?” Tim asked again, rough gloved hand cradles his face.“I don’t know,” Jason answers.“Then, where did you go?”“Go?”“When it goes dark, before you wake up here, where did you go?”Jason can’t look at Tim’s face. Where did he go? The same place he had been running away from. For years, to this day.





	What's wrong, baby?

**Author's Note:**

> ahahaha....
> 
> enjoy?

“What’s wrong, baby?”

Jason ignored her. Whatever his mom is saying, it’s either out of trance or out of frustration.

It hurts to walk, but he tried not to limp too much so he won’t drop the paper bags of groceries in his hands. He lays the one month worth of food on the table and sighed, he’s proud of himself today.

Steps are coming closer, and gentle hands spun his shoulders around. Cold fingers grabbing and lifting his chin to see his mother’s worried face.

As soon as he sees her face, Jason feels like tearing up It’s been so long since Jason had seen his mom sober. Jason smiled despite her worry, and hug her tight. Her hands rub his back as she bends down to kiss the top of his head.

In the middle of their messy rooms and walls with torn wallpapers, stood his mom with the same dress and cardigan she’s been wearing for the past week. And Jason, wearing one of three hoodies he ever owned, and the same old jeans for years. Even so, Jason is the utmost happiest right this moment.

He had his mom back, Jason managed to get some food. They’re gonna celebrate today.

His mother’s hand cupped his face, rough and cold fingers barely touching around his busted lips.

“Where did you get this?” His mother asked something she had asked every time.

But it’s fine this time, she’ll remember. It’ll matter.

“I got into a fight, some people were about to rob me, but I fight them good, mom. You should’ve seen their face, way worse than mine.” Jason smiles proudly.

“I didn’t raise you that way,” Jason felt his lips twitched, annoyed at her, she didn’t raise him at all. He’ll let this one slide, “but I’m glad you’re safe and okay, I love you, baby.”

She hugged him tighter this time. Her arms wrap protectively around him and it squeezes a tear from Jason.

“I love you too mom.”

+++++

“What’s wrong, kid?”

What’s wrong? This dressed-up vigilante must be kidding! Jason was stealing the batmobile’s tires, and he would’ve stolen this last one too if Batman would just stay out longer. 

Then, in the middle of stealing the last tire, Batman landed from the friggin’ sky. The tall big and broad joke of a ‘hero’ got him by the collar, and Jason whips him with a wrench right in the tit.

Then, even after Jason did all that, Batman still caught up to him, talk some nonsense, and proceed to ask if he’s hungry.

Jason is starving, but thankfully he had put the other three tires in an obscure location so Batman can’t take it back. He can feed himself and his mom for a month or even two if he’s stingy about it.

So, no, Batman, Jason is not hungry.

Offering a burglar food after you’re being robbed? That screamed bad news all over. The man either wanted revenge or payback. Jason shudders at the things Batman will make him do, even if Batman supposed to be a hero, he can’t trust him.

Batman must’ve wanted to bribe him with food, and make Jason work for him or something, maybe forced to become Robin and wore those skimpy scaly pants!

“I’m not going anywhere with you!”

Jason throws another wrench to Batman’s other tit and ran the other way.

+++++

“What’s wrong, you filthy rat? Is that all you got?”

A few laughs taunted him. He shook his blurry vision back to focus. Three bratty jocks in their letterman jackets are laughing at him.

People are forming a circle around him, chanting at them to fight. None of them calling the teacher, who he bet knew but doesn’t bother. Public schools in this area frequent fights in a man-made ring like this, right in the front yard too. It’s their loss though, this is not Jason’s first fight. Jason knew he’s bound to find people like them picking a fight with him. Now that Jason got his focus back, they’re all screwed.

Jason is battered up, but being bruised in the face is nothing new. He’s in a lot of pain, but he’s the last one standing as the three jocks are splayed on the ground, all knocked out and just as bruised as he is. Some with a bloody mouth because Jason just kicked their teeth out of their jaws.

The crowd that surrounds him cheers, but Jason’s glares made them step away. He approached a kid holding his back. Stood stiff and in awe at Jason, blue sparkling eyes hides behind his thick glasses. Pretty little mouth gapes when Jason is up close. Despite in awe, the boy in front of him is the only one that didn’t cower under his gaze.

“You shouldn’t have done that for me... I can just walk away.” The boy mumbles dejectedly. This kid didn’t do anything wrong, but Jason hated the type of kids he is.

Acting as if he’s frail. Staying out of trouble. Staying at the sidelines. Letting himself being pushed around even though he can fight back. He might’ve fooled everybody in school, but not Jason. There’s no reason the newly orphaned millionaire kid to enter this depraved school. Not to mention the news of him getting adopted by the doll of Gotham, Bruce Wayne. The kid is not poor enough to blend in with the crowd.

The kid is small, acting weak, and has been asking around. Too much for the comfort of most kids here who got their dirt and their parents dirt to hide. That’s why he’s being picked on.

“I’m not doing that for you.” Jason grabs his bag from the frail hands holding it.

“Then why did you?”

“Just because I can. Not everything is about you, Drake... oh wait I’m sorry, it’s Wayne now is it?” Jason spat, “Whatever you’re looking for here, infiltrating is not the way, rich boy.”

The kid didn’t say a word, but his shocked face says thousands.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Then Jason walks away.

++++

“What’s wrong, brat?” His father spat, doesn’t even bother looking away from his TV.

On the corner of his eyes, in the open bedroom, his mom is wearing her old dress. Her body twitching on top of the mattress as her eyes rolls back. Her gasping moan is not any louder than the tv show his dad is watching.

Jason stood there, tuning out everything surrounding him. Only then he realized the state he was in, and his adrenaline runs out.

The pain in his body finally makes itself known. The sole of his feet stings like there are sharp shards in it, but again, he only realized it now after walking who knows how far and how long. His face felt stiff, before, it was warm and liquidy but it dried up. He smells of his own blood, filth, and some...some other things on him. On his skin, on his torn up and drenched clothes.

His body shuddered by the cold fall itching to winter weather. His clothes are torn by the edges, he stole it from the nearest homeless that fights harder than he had imagined. More than his battered self can handle anymore.

His back stings too, there’re long gashes there. The dried-up ones and the fresh and bleeding ones. There’s soreness in his entire body, more so on his lower half, where he can see his legs peppered in black and blue. It hurts his ribs when he straightens up, or try to move his back at all. It’s hard to breathe. It felt heavy to take air. His voice rasped deeply whenever he takes in a breath, and groans when he breaths out.

“Hey! I told you to get me a beer!” His dad finally looks back from the couch, seeing Jason’s state. His gaze looks up and down and scoffed a wicked smile.

“What? You’re deaf? Go on before I beat ya some more!” He huffed and returns his attention to the shitty reality tv.

Jason looks at his mother again, who’s returned from her high and lit up a joint. Any other day Jason would’ve stopped her, but when she meets eyes with Jason, she didn’t bat an eye, she even turned away.

His legs will give out any minute now, but can’t do that. He can’t give out yet, not in this place, not in this city.

Jason limps towards the door, walking away.

++++++

“What’s wrong with you, Jason!”

The scold snaps him back.

Jason blinks, eyes down on his bleeding finger. Trickling red bullets dropping to his boots, adding one among countless of stains there. The sound around him growing clearer and louder. Sounds of steel cutting machines and the road outside. The construction from across the road, a pissed-off guy complaining to one of the mechanics. His world came to clear again.

Someone grabbed his bleeding hand, and Jason finally snaps out of it.

“Dude! Carlos is screaming for you,” Roy caught the bleeding finger and cringed, “Ouch, gonna fix that?”

“Nah, just a finger. It’ll stop soon.”

“It’s pouring!”

“JASON!”The shouting nag returns. Jason looks back to his boss, red face, busy mustache covering his top lip, and a belly hanging from his poor worn-out leather belt. “Costumer coming, take it! Are you deaf!?”

Before Jason can reply to him, his boss already left to attend another customer.

“Jason, the bleeding!” Roy whined.

“Not now Roy, I gotta take this one.”

“Are you sure? You were staring into space, I can take it if you’re not well.”

“No,” Jason shakes his head, “No, I got this, I’m fine, Roy.” He disregards Roy and came to greet this coming costumer.

True to his word, a car, too fancy for the likes of this car-repair joint, rolled to the front parking area. It’s not turned on, a few people pushed the car in, and the person pushing from the driver seat is dressed in a fancy-ass suit and tie.

The driver thanked the people helping him, and look towards him with that familiar sky blue eyes. Jason knew exactly who he is.

“Are you sure you didn’t roll into a wrong place, Mr. Drake-Wayne?” Jason smirks, no malice in his voice, just amused.

The man barely grows from the last time he saw him, or maybe Jason is growing just as fast. The kid filled in a bit, but Jason filled in more, gaining more height as well. His face held the same innocent youthful expression when their eyes finally meet. But that’s all that it is, an expression on the surface.

“I hope I didn’t, I don’t know my way around Metropolis yet, and this is the closest garage I can find.” The man, Tim Drake, or now, Tim Drake-Wayne after the public tragedy, squint his eyes at him.

“You’re... Jason! Jason Todd!” Tim exclaimed, mouth gapes open and blue eyes blown wide.

“Surprised you remember me.”

Tim blinks some more and cleared his throat, “You’re popular in fights, then suddenly you disappeared mid-term. Where have you been!”

“Around.” Jason shrugs, cutting it short so the so proclaimed Wayne’s genius won’t probe. “So, what seems to be the problem?

“There’re kittens in the engine, they’re stuck there.”

“What.”

Jason checked, and lo and behold there sure are kittens there. A whole litter of them, tossing here and there, hiding inside the intricate engines.

When Jason is taking off the parts, he noticed something familiar. Not the engines or the tires, they’re commercially made, but the way that there are sensors connecting all of them, and how they are placed, is awfully familiar. Small gadgets disguised as parts of engines, one cable too many among the others.

Jason remembers it like it was a few minutes ago because it was the most fun day and the most satisfying thing when he gets to take off those tires without triggering any alarm.

“Sweet ride, your dad’s?” Jason asked casually, focused on taking the engines out, careful not to squish the kittens in between.

“Nope, bought it with my hard-earned money.”

Jason smirks, “I knew you didn’t need my help.”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing.”

Tim paused, Jason knew he’s not convinced, but that’s not his problem. Red Robin must’ve been smart enough to not call him out in broad daylight while the workshop is littered with people going back and forth.

Jason looks down to the box of kittens, he pulls all three of them from being stuck between the engines. They are meowing loudly as they gather on Jason’s hand for whatever reason. Oh, Jason is so weak, he wanted all of them.

“You look a bit different, from middle school,” Tim loosely stated.

“What makes me different? The muscles? My new sharp as knives jaw?”

“Yeah, all that, and your hair, the white streak.” Tim motioned his fingers lulling over his own head.

“Yeah, that’s hardly new, not a fashion statement either.”

Jason returned to the engines, beginning to put them all back together.

“Then how does that happen?” Tim asked.

Jason pressed his lips, “On a fight, hit on the head, then it started growing white.”

“Huh, so physical trauma induced vitiligo.”

“Of course you knew the term,” Jason rolled his eyes.

Then he paused, the awkwardness filling the silence in. Jason felt his back just burned because he knew Tim is staring at the scars peeking through the edge of his tank top. No one had cared about the scars on his back, except maybe Roy. He’s glad he put on something other than the usual none at all.

Tim cleared his throat, right when Jason is done putting the engine back inside the car and close the hood.

“Hey, do you... I don’t know, want to catch up?” Tim cast his eyes down to his designer black leather oxford with gold accents.

The question caught Jason off guard, and wary. But what the heck, it’s not like he has many friends, or even have anything else to do besides work and live. He’s not gonna make it easy for Tim though.

“With little ol’ me? Why would you? We’re not even friends.” Jason steps forward, seeing the man in front of him tightens and blush. How cute, Jason thought, to think even after many years, Tim still has a crush on him.

“So, you don’t want to?” Tim says instead, there’s a cheeky glint in his eyes. Tim knows what he’s doing, and he’s not subtle at all.

Jason smirks, “Sure, gotta be around here though, I’m not going to your city.”

“That’s cool, I’ll be in Metropolis for a month. You know some good food around?

“I’ve been here since...” Jason blinks, sucked in breath, “For 6 years, I know my way around Metropolis. I take it you have a business card in there,” Jason flimsily pointed at Tim’s pristine and pressed suit.

“Always do.” Tim pulled out a card from inside his suit. His fingers are long, skinny, and as elegant as it seems, but Jason knows rough working hands when he sees one.

“So, what are we gonna do with them?” Tim nods to the box of kittens.

“I can take them,” Jason shrugged, his apartment doesn’t give a shit anyway.

“All of them?” Tim said incredulously.

“What? You want _all_ of them?” Jason said even more so.

“Oh God no, but maybe just one, my brothers already have too many pets, but I want one just for me.”

“Didn’t take you for a pet kinda guy, but knock yourself out, they climbed up to _your_ car in the first place.”

Tim squats down, petting the kittens one by one. They are all yellow tabbies with different swirls, painfully scrawny body and cloudy eyes. Jason had to get them to the vet right after this. Tim put his hand on the box and one particular cat approach. It’s the smallest one and also the skinniest, the rut of the litter. It can barely stand up and walk, always falling before it could reach Tim’s hand.

“I guess I’m taking you huh?” Tim said to the little kitten, picking it up and tucking it to his chest. The little cat meowed in a hoarse high pitched meow it made Tim visibly melts, and that did stuff to Jason’s heart.

“Why that one?” Jason asked out of casual curiosity.

“Reminded me of my old self, small, scrawny, weak.”

“You’re not anymore,” Jason said, more like a statement. Tim looks at him with knowing eyes.

“No, I’d like to think I glowed up a bit.” Tim winked, making Jason’s heart do a flippant.

Jason raises his eyebrows and playfully scoffed, “You’re not gonna make it wear kinky tight suits, are you?”

Tim blushed and smiles, “No promises.”

Jason just shook his head amusedly, “Whatever, you better take it to the vet right after this.”

“I will.” Tim slipped into his car, putting the small kitten on shotgun, “Call me tonight?”

Jason smiled, feeling just as much heat as Tim’s pink cheeks.

“Yeah, uh, sure.” Jason took the box of two other kittens to get them out of the way.

Tim turned on the engine, it still works perfectly, no weird sounds or whatever. And if Tim knew what had changed then he’ll know for sure.

Then Jason watched him drive away with one last wave and smile. It has been too long indeed. Jason sighed, raking his hair and touching the slight bump on the scalp of the root of his white hair.

Jason lets go right away, trying to not get over conscious. He’s not going to remember it when he can still choose not to.

He takes out Tim’s business card from his pocket. It’s going to be fun hanging out, and Jason deserves that.

++++++++

“What’s wrong, Jay?”

Jason finally sees again. Back here. In the world where there’re lights no matter how dark the night is. It’s what he loves from Metropolis, that’s why he chose to stay here. It’s bright, and the nights are brighter. They’re golden in hue. Nights like this, best enjoyed on top of the roof on a tall building with beers, greasy food, and a friend.

Though it’s a pretty view in front of him, Jason didn’t remember walking to the top of the building, placing his feet at the edge of the roof. A step further is 50 stories down. He’s already leaning forward, and the only thing that stopped him from falling is a pair of arms on his torso, and black-gloved palms on his chest.

“Are you here?” Tim asked, sounding a bit different. His head is pressed against Jason’s back, warm and softly beating.

“I don’t know,” Jason admitted. He doesn’t feel scared of looking down, Tim got him after all.

“Will you step down from there?” his savior asked, calmly, like he’s done this before.

Jason does what he told, and he turns around to see Tim in his Red Robin suit. Tim is Red Robin now, suited in a form-fitting but protective gear. His mask hides his baby blue eyes.

Wait, that’s strange. The last thing he remembers is seeing Tim in Gotham when he... oh. Jason had gone to Gotham again. He wanted to meet Tim. He thought it was okay, but it happened again.

“What’s wrong? Jay?” Tim asked again, rough gloved hand cradles his face.

What’s wrong? Jason doesn’t even know what, or why. What happened in the past, stays there forever. He had treated him that way. Yet it came back, it always comes back. He doesn’t know what’s wrong. It’s the past, he moved on, but the past did not move on from him. It latches, and he doesn’t know why.

“I don’t know,” Jason answers instead, weakly.

“Then, where did you go?”

“Go?”

“When it goes dark, before you wake up here, where did you go?”

Jason can’t look at Tim’s face. Where did he go? The same place he had been running away from. For years, to this day. The past.

“A warehouse,” Jason started, eyes on a granite ground, “A clown, and tons of kids crying.” His hand holds on to the ones on his face, holding onto them tightly, hoping if so, he won’t go back there.

“Ropes on my wrists, drugs in my system. The world goes around and around and sometimes I don’t know which one is a nightmare, and which one is a reality. I was there... and in that state for.... for we-weeks.”

It didn’t feel that way though, it doesn’t feel that time exist in that place. Sometimes you dream for a long long time but when you wake up, it feels like only a second passed by. He couldn’t tell when he’s dreaming and when he’s awake. He couldn’t tell the difference then, till now he doesn’t know. Maybe all of this is a dream, and in reality, he’s still in that warehouse, waiting for the clowns to come and...

“I escaped, I escaped there, I’m not there anymore.” Jason chanted to himself. “I don’t know how I got away. They left me on the mattress after they’re done, I was badly hurt. They didn’t think I can move so the door is open. And next time I know, I was running away with everything I got.”

Jason tried to keep his eyes open, but it’s getting blurry and the world is spinning.

“When I returned... my mom and dad didn’t even notice. They didn’t look for me.”

He came back home to his mom twitching and high in her bed. His dad demanding beers even after he looked at his battered self. His body feels like he was run over by a car. There was a lot of dried blood on his body, some are his, some are others. And his parents are just there. They didn’t care. Then Jason left. That place no longer feels like home. They are no longer his parents. Jason refused to believe so.

That was the last time he sees them. Jason just walks away from there. Limping, hungry, scared, deep into the maze-like alley of Gotham’s slum. Thinking he could’ve been dead.

“They didn’t look for me.”

So, Jason walked to Metropolis or hitchhiking whoever he can with nothing but the clothes on his back. To a place where everything is bright and different. So he’ll know when he’s dreaming and when he’s not. His jobs pay enough, he was homeless for a while. Until he had a job with Roy, where it pays better, and a room with him.

He had run away from there, and it’s not fair how he’s still running.

How much longer until he can outrun his past, outrun the nightmare. He just wants to forget, and leave it behind. Why is that so hard?

Jason is so tired of running but it never amounts to anything. Tired of being caught again, and again.

Then it’s like he blinked, and only a second passed by, but he’s somewhere different. It’s not a warehouse. The room is bright, clean, and it smells sterile.

He’s laying on a soft cloud-like bed, covered in an even softer comforter from neck down. Sitting beside him is his little pretty Tim in his casual pajamas, and tossed around hair. He looked worried as those blue eyes look down to him. His rough long fingers brushed against his face as light as feathers.

“How did I get here?” Jason croaks.

“I carried you here,” Tim smiled, it was small and weak.

“You? Carry me?” Jason said in amused disbelieve.

“I have carried much heavier villains than you.”

“That’s so hot... carry me when I’m not out next time will ya?”

Tim just giggles at that, and it’s wild how Tim never does that until today.

“Jason.” Tim calmed himself, and he’s holding Jason’s hand under the comforter. His solemn face signed Jason about something serious he’s about to say.

“I can capture that man.”

“Who?”

“The clown.”

Jason wasn’t surprised. Tim and his gang of bats, a bunch of righteous people. He knew Tim would try to get him. Tim and his folks are not ordinary people, they’re not helpless, not like he was. But Jason is still afraid.

He held Tim’s hand back, and he felt secure, Jason doesn’t want to let go.

“Promise me you won’t face him alone.”

Tim nods, “I promise.”

Jason gulped. He wants to help Tim catch that mad man, but that means he had to remember things he wanted to forget. His heart is pounding against his ribcage like a protest, and it felt like his hands keep growing colder. Yet Tim is here, he’s not away now, and the way Tim looks at him with firm determination assure him.

“I’ll tell you,” Jason says with resolve, “But... if my mind slips to that warehouse again, please bring me back.”

Tim swoops down, laying on top of Jason. His heartbeat is fast-paced, just like his. Tim is nervous too, there’s no stopping the nightmare that returns when the world goes dark on Jason. He heard how heartbroken Tim’s voice is when he held him away from the edge of the building, asking him where did he go. Tim doesn’t want him back there too.

“I will, I’ll bring you back every time. And I promise it won’t be in vain, I’ll catch him,” Tim’s voice is firm, almost angry.

There’s a man on the loose, and the key to capture that man is Jason, where he needs to go back to his worst and haunting nightmare.

Jason doesn’t like this, but it’s about time Jason stops running too, isn’t it?

++++++++

“What’s wrong, Mr. Todd?”

The butler’s voice caught him off guard. Jason had wanted to be alone for a while, away from the Wayne mansion. He should’ve known the butler would find him in the kitchen.

“It’s just a bit much that’s all,” Jason takes a deep breath and refill his glass with water.

“I understand, we didn’t know that Master Timothy has a boyfriend for the last five years. They’re just shocked he’s able to hide you for so long. This family knew each other secrets no matter how tightly they keep it close to their chest. On behalf of the family, I’m sorry they’re barging into your home and drags you here for questioning.”

“It’s appreciated, but it shouldn’t come from you.” Jason finished his glass of water and lean on the kitchen island.

“I’m here to check up on you sir, while Master Timothy handled the crowd. You looked pale, and you just zoned out over the sink before I came in.”

Jason scoffs. Profilers, all of them in this house.

He considered lying. Call it a night and run to Tim’s room where he’ll be staying.

He considered telling the truth, which has no benefits at all. Who’s Alfred to him? He doesn’t deserve to know anything about him. But something about the old man just feels safe, and homey, even though this big cold mansion is anything but.

“I wouldn’t have come here if it weren’t for Tim... I hated this city.” Jason says more to himself than to Alfred.

Jason looked Alfred right in the eyeball, angry, “This city took everything from me, everything... but it gave me Tim. That’s why I’m here, can’t let him go alone here without me.”

That’s why he’s here. He really wanted Tim, and if it takes going back to a city that triggers him, going to a mansion filled with insecure and dramatic family of vigilantes to do so, then so be it. Jason doesn’t care what they say if they approve or not, it’s not their business.

But his body tells him otherwise.

It’s too dark here in Gotham City. Too dark, too quiet. The mansion is too big, it’s spacious, and even with 10 plus people here occupying this manor, he barely hears them. There’re chandeliers, lights in an orange hue, but it’s still too dark.

His body feels sore. There’s liquid running down from his head, it smells tangy like blood. The clothes on his frail and bruised body are in taters. There’s something disgusting and warm and thick liquid pouring down to his thigh. It made Jason wants to gag. He looks at himself, suddenly he’s thirteen again.

His cries fell on deaf ears. His mother looks at him but turns to the needle on the back of her elbow and she starts smiling euphorically. His dad looks at him, then scowls and look back to the snow screen tv.

Something cold in his hand, it’s beer. In front of him is his dad with his hand open.

_You deaf boy? Give me my beer or I’ll-_

“I don’t want to give you your goddamned beer! Why didn’t you look for me! WHY ARE NONE OF YOU LOOKING FOR ME.”

_Why would I? You’re just one street rats among many. No one will miss you when you’re gone._

The voice beginning to turn shrill, the lips that move to say the words are painted red. He whispers with glee, those words on his ears, while his hands inching up to his upper thigh.

“You’re wrong! They’ll find me, I won’t die here, I don’t want to die here!”

_LOOK AT THEM!_ The clown points to a place, a seamless image in the dark of his parents' apartment. They’re all looking away from him.

_It was my mistake not to break your legs, but I like them like that... so pretty and lean and pale._

Rough hands groping his thighs, and Jason felt bale on the back of his throat. He struggled, but his body is kept in place. He’s paralyzed, whether in fear or by the drug he’s putting on him.

_They look awful comfortable, aren’t they? Like they’re finally glad you’re gone._ A pointy chin rested on his shoulder, long nose poking on his cheeks and inhaled deeply. It sent dreadful shivers down his spine.

“I’m not here. You’re already dead. And you can't keep me here anymore.”

_Look at me! Feel me... I’m here and as real as you. I got you in my grasp, and I’m taking you back to our little love nest back at the Carnaval’s warehouse and this time... I’ll lock the doors, and I’ll never leave you again. _

“No, he’ll find me, he’ll wake me up.”

_WHO? No one did, so no one will!_

“Tim...” Jason breathed, and he closes his eyes, “Tim will come and wake me up... you have no power over me. You’re already dead.”

“What do you see, Jay?”

Jason gasped, sighing slowly. When he looks around, he’s no longer standing. He’s on the ground, and a body laying on Tim’s lap. A pair of blue orbs look at him closely, deeply, and gentle hand that combs his hair. It feels good, it’s gentle, it means him no harm.

“I’m here, I’m here.” Jason stated, “I thought I was getting better...”

“And you are, you’ve held on for a week... I’m proud of you.” Tim leans down and kisses him on the head. “Wanna leave this place?”

“Fuck yes.”

Tim sling his arms over his slender shoulder and help him up with ease. Only after he stands up, he really takes on his surrounding, and himself better.

Alfred is on the foot of the kitchen island, looking sympathetically at him. Somehow he’s immune to that look now.

“Can you guys get out please, give me space,” Tim says, and when Jason looks around, he only gets to see the back of the heads of people going out of the room, except one.

Damian.

“I’m sorry.” He says.

Out of all people in that crowded manor with too many bats, this is the least expected thing to hear from the least expected person, and Jason felt like hell just froze.

“I understood your feeling. I’ve been there before, going in and out of reality. Not knowing which one is real.” Damian looks at his feet in a glance and back to his eyes, “Does it get better?” he asked.

Jason is safe to say, flabbergasted, while Tim who’s supporting his weight also dropped his jaw to the floor. They look at each other and back to Damian.

“I’ve been dealing with this since I was your age,” Jason started, and land a hand of Damian’s shoulder, leaving a soft pat. “It does get better.”

Damian had a bitter smile and he nods, “Thank you, I wish us good luck.”

“Sure kiddo.”

“I’m not a kid.” Damian pushes Jason’s hand from his shoulder, then turns around and leave.

Jason blinked owlishly and then look at his boyfriend.

“What was that?” Jason says.

“He kind of died once, but I never hear any of that from him.”

“Wait, kind of died?”

“Yeah, we all kind of died once. It’s... complicated.”

“Seems to be a consistent trait in your family.”

Tim chuckles, “yeah, it is.”

Jason looks down, reflecting at himself and remembering what Damian said, and as bizarre as it is, he sees himself in Damian.

“Someone better helped Damian too, like you helped me,” Jason stated, “Someone to bring him back.”

Tim rubs his back, “Don’t worry, we may be complicated but we got each other.”

Jason smiled in relieve. Damian won’t be like him, he got an entire family to rely on.

+++++++

“What’s wrong, Mr. Drake-Wayne?”

The nurse called, and Jason blinked, and finally focused on what he’s seeing.

Under a vast tree, she sits alone, knitting. She never knits in her entire life, her hands were too twitchy to hold anything right. On a garden wooden tree, she sits alone and away from people. The sagging skin and deep wrinkles around her face signs of the passing time that had been hard on her. But time was not the only cause of her tired look.

How many years has it been? She had changed so much since he last saw her, but then again, Jason had changed a lot too since they last see each other.

“When did she starts knitting?” Jason asked himself.

“Oh, it’s just one of the habits we encourage our patients to take, something that needs focus so their minds are engaged in something more positive,” The nurse explained.

“When did you say she got here?”

“Just last year, she’s doing well.”

“Who signed her here?”

“She signed in herself.”

“I see, I’ll go see her then.”

“Alright, you got two hours,” the nurse reminded and left.

This won’t even take ten minutes.

Jason opened the glass sliding door. A few people there by the garden area is looking at him. Everyone except for the woman under the tree, that is, until Jason stands closely in front of her. She tears her eyes from her pink scarf in her hands and finally looks up to Jason.

She looks like she’s 70. How many years had gone by since Jason left home. It feels like a lifetime ago when it’s really not. Jason never went back to check up on her. So he doesn’t know how long she’s been using to get that face until she finally came to this rehabilitation center.

“Can I help you?” She says, looks more worried than dismissive.

“You don’t remember me?” Jason says, and her face tightens.

“Sorry, I don’t.”

Jason doesn’t blame her, he looks different than the last time she sees him, and most of that time she isn’t even really looking at him.

“I’m Jason.”

Her face suddenly lifts up, and she stands straight up. The wool and needles drop to the concrete pathway and she opens her arms.

“Jason! My baby boy!” She steps forward, but Jason steps back a full foot. She stiffens right away, her smile is gone in an instant.

“You look well, last time I saw you, you were...” twitching on top of the only mattress in the house. Yet, it’s so hard to say that. It’s hard to say anything, so he goes with the first one in mind.

“I’m married now,” Jason instinctively looks down to his hand, holding a particularly simple silver band on his ring finger.

“You... You didn’t invite me?”

Jason tighten his jaw, he has no excuse for that, nor is he regretful.

“How could you, I’m still your mother,” she said with her sad face, but venom in her voice.

“You never acted like one,” Jason disses.

“Af-after everything I’ve done...”

“What exactly have you done for me? Except for giving birth to me.” Jason’s voice deep and menacing, offended of course but ticked off when his mom acts privilege. She doesn’t get to act like that.

She doesn’t say anything.

“I walked out of your life, have you ever looked for me?”

“I...I... you were gone?”

“I was missing for weeks!” Jason started to raise his voice, but he gets it back in control, “Weeks. I came home with so many wounds and blood. You looked at me, but then you look away, why?”

She looks down, darting her eyes around the ground.

“Why!”

“I don’t remember!” She finally says with shaking voice, “I don’t remember you ever going back bruised. I don’t remember a lot of things. I don’t remember much about my life, I didn’t even remember I have a son until I found a photo of you in my pocket.” She slips her hands on the pocket of her dress, and pull out an old and folded over a picture of him, he and his dad.

“That’s why I’m here. I want to get clean to remember you... I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Jason takes in a deep breath, closing his eyes to hold his tears.

“The worst part of this is that I don’t even blame you. I hated you and dad for leaving me alone, for not caring about me.”

“I do, baby! I still do I’m just...”

“I know... Circumstances were not kind for both of us, You were barely there for me, but you’re still my mom, I wanted to believe that,” Jason sighed, and open the fist he didn’t realize had clenched. “I kept trying to remember the times you were sober when you showed me you loved me. They’re there. They’re real... I wanted to see that, I want to see my mom again.” Jason sucked in breath and stopped himself.

His mother is full-on bawling and pouring tears from her heavy bagged eyes.

“I’m sorry... I’m really sorry... I fucked up baby, I have no excuses... I’m just so-” She sobbed, and Jason flinched, “So sorry.”

Jason grits his teeth and clenches his fist, this is not what he came in for. But he looks at his mom, and he just remembered what he had tried to make peace with for the last 20 years. This time, it didn’t haunt him. The lump in his chest is caused by his unresolved business with the woman that gave birth to him.

This woman, who’s now crying in remorse of the things that can’t be undone. Things she can’t fix, even though she wanted to, even though Jason want her to. The past can be fixed, but maybe there’s hope for the future, if Jason lets it...

“I’m here for something. My husband and I are going to adopt kids,” Jason informed, and his mom looks up with a look of bewilderment, “I want you to get better, so my kids can see their grandma.”

His mom’s eyes blown wide, and it’s the first time he had ever seen her face with so much life.

“I will,” she said with determination.

Jason then steps in to wrap her in his arms. It’s been so long since she looks so well and good it made Jason teared up from holding her. He really thought she died, just like his dad. But she’s here, getting help, and getting better.

“I’m proud of you, for getting help.”

His mother chocked up, and sobs, “Thank you, baby, thank you for giving me a second chance.”

“I’ll see you soon, mom.”

Jason waved her goodbye.

Outside the rehabilitation center is a car already waiting for him. On the driver seat, his husband is there with a joyful smile.

He looks at Tim and leans in to give him a kiss. He must be making a face now because Tim gave him a worried smile. His rough and elegant hands frame his face.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Tim asked. His cerulean blue eyes clear like the bright sky. Always, he’s been waking up to those freeing eyes, and to that kind smile, and these firm hands to keep him grounded.

Jason smiles, and it feels like the question bears no burden anymore.

“Nothing’s wrong, not anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> [find me on tumblr!](https://emotionalcello-makefanfics.tumblr.com/)
> 
> tell me if I miss something in the tags


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